out of place
The last week or so has been a blur...
It's kinda weird cuz I haven't been up to too much. I guess sleeping in til at least 12:00 daily would do that to you, huh? *sheepish smile* And I guess with actually doing something besides going to classes, I haven't had all that much time to exert much of an online influence... like getting my fix of blogs (reading and writing) and my webcomics... teehee.
But it's been good to see family and friends again... seeing the familiar faces brings me warmth, and i'm glad for the comfort they bring to the homesickness I had been feeling the latter half of the semester. But at the same time, seeing the familiar faces makes me realize something. something that has been sitting rather ill with me that has been largely unrealized. That is, until my epiphany while brushing my teeth. And looking back, I guess it should have hit me on the head like a burlap sack full of bricks, and much earlier than it should have. It's sorta come up now and again, but never so clearly as tonight.
I don't really have a life here in vancouver. Like in terms of one that really continues to move forward. The people that I know here, meet for 3 weeks in the winter, and for 4ish months in the summer are what drives it. My own life here has slowed to a near-standstill, especially since I don't work or go to school here.. I'm so glad for the connections that I have retained, and the past that these connect to, but really, it's just that. the past. I'm not really moving forward in my life here. I look around, and I see all my friends here getting jobs, making new friends, quitting jobs, meeting their loves, and basically moving forward with their lives. There's not really enough time for me to move forward here, and I think that has been making me feel kind of uneasy. insecure, even. I feel kinda of out of place. I know it's not possible to lead to coexisting lives, both in guelph and vancouver, but still I try... and sometimes it makes me wonder whether it is a act of futility? It's starting to become frustrating, as I continue to evolve and grow in Guelph, having new experiences, meeting new people and growing in one direction, and then coming back to vancouver, as a holiday , to see people going in their own directions, while the growth that I've made in Guelph has no context in where I am in vancouver.
So whenever I hear about what people are up to, I'm always happy for how far they've come along, but it makes me think of the could-have beens, the realities, and often times, the are-nots, and what is not happening. At any rate, it's been making me feel rather weird and wistful, in a way... that may accoount for weirdness coming from me, if you've felt it. I know from this post, it may seem very dramatic or something... and in reality, it's not really that serious. it's just the best way how I can articulate my thoughts, my reality.
Looking back after writing this, I realize that I have thought of all this before, in some shape and fashion, but yet, I feel feel like someone has just called "E-5", and sunk my last Battleship. It's name is Reality, and it's sinking in.