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~ Tales of a vagrant ant ~
Follow the journey of a vagrant ant through the story of his life. | |||||||||
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Current Desktop 
Frequented
Other
I believe
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6.16.2004
What in the world is going on? aka rantrantwhinerant
I don't know what's been going on, but I'm just sick and tired of it... I should be doing my DE assignment, but I just need to get something out of me... something that i feel has been eating me inside. I've felt a bit like a zombie this last week.. Partly it's been this apparent unemployability that's been hanging over me like an anvil, a la loony toons. Frankly I think it's been sucking the soul out of me. It's like everytime I go out job hunting, I feel numb... I feel like job hunting's my occupation... Just going through the motions. Talk to employee. Try to talk to manager. Drop off resume. Get contact information. Smile. Walk Away. It doesn't help that I can't seem to make the rest of my day worth anything either... Cooking dinner, eating it and washing the dishes after pretty much takes up most of my evening, and then by then, I feel too drained to do anything except zombie out at the computer... and the nights then seem timeless, until I realize that I hear the songbirds of the morning, and curse myself for staying up late. I can't articulate the exact path of my convoluted thinkning right now, but I feel a bit in shambles right now... I need a way to pick myself up. I feel like if I just got a job, I could break out of this fugue that has blanketed me with inaction. I feel like I can't properly start my summer until I do get a job, when I get some semblance of a routine, and some framework to wrap my life around. It's weird, but it feels like I'm in a entirely different world than all of the employed people I know. It's like they are operating on a different set of rules or something. I just miss Katie terribly as well... I phoned her from Ambleside the other day, with the rippling waves throwing themselves at my feet, and she changed out of her PJs, and went to the ocean, and for a moment, we were connected by the vast oceans, water swirling around us, and I really did feel connected to her, and there was a grin on my face I couldn't erase. And then my phone died. Just my fucking luck. Moments later, she phoned my phone, and we had a few more precious minutes before it died again. Then I walked back to the car and took off my soggy sandals, and read the letter I got in the mail I got from her that day. It's really strange. As I read her letter, I felt like she was answering questions that I had written to her in an email.. It was uncanny, and comforting, and that has been the sole highlight of my week. Sad, isn't it? | feeling: melancholy | | listening: jack johnson - mediocre bad guys |
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